Beatsheet.

Beatsheet for Guys - Robb Badlam

Duff: Me (Joshua Wong)
Ty: Eric Tan

Duff: You know what i really like Ty?


Ty: Whats that duff ?   (disinterested)


Duff: Breasts


Ty: Sure


Duff: No I'm serious, I'm really fond of them (gotta get him interested)


Ty: Okay


Duff: (So I elaborate more) Not too big not too small just a good round breast


Ty: Roundness is key  (thinks about breasts)

Duff: And firmness, somewhere between a water balloon and a nerf ball


Ty: Its important

Duff: Hey Ty, you suppose major Mc Cheese has much of the hot sex


Ty: Hmm? ( clueless)

Duff: Mayor Mc Cheese


Ty: Yeah (very sure)

Duff: How'd you figure


Ty: He's the mayor !

Duff: But he's got this big freakish head full of soggy meat


Ty: Never underestimate the allure of celebrity

Duff: The Allure of celebrity?


Ty: Dude, people have sex with Steve Buscemi (trying to convince duff)

Duff: But you ever suppose anybody just takes a big bite out of his head?


Ty: Steve Buscemi (shocked)

Duff: Mayor Mc Cheese , i mean he's got a big head full of soggy meat you wouldn't suppose anybody just goes up to him and bites him


Ty: No (irritated)

Duff: Why not?


Ty: He's the mayor

Duff: What are you reading?


Ty: Crossword

Duff: You're reading the crossword?


Ty: I'm doing the crossword (even more irritated)

Duff: But you're not writing anything down


Ty: I'm doing it in my head

Duff: in your head?


Ty: Yeah, its pretty hard (subtly drops hint to ask duff to leave him alone)

Duff: why are you doing it in your head?


Ty: I lost my pen

Duff: You could use another pen


Ty: I don't have another pen (pissed off)

Duff: You could borrow someone elses pen


Ty: I liked my pen


Duff: you could go buy a new pen


Ty: That's a lot of trouble to go through just for a crossword.

Duff: So you lost your pen, and now your going to go through the whole rest of your life, without writing anything down


Ty: Its not much of a plan, but it'll do for now


Duff: You know what we really need Ty


Ty: Girlfriends Duff? (sudden realization of how sad his life is without female accompaniment)

Duff: Yeah

Duff: Dude five o'clock


Ty:Yours or mine (confused)

Duff: Yours

Duff: Not Yet


Ty: Whats the recon? (curious)


Duff: No visible rings, no apparent male accompaniment


Ty: and for lunch?

Duff: I believed she's selected the McNuggets


Ty: Solid Menu choice

Duff: Ok she's not looking


Ty: (Tosses chip) Zoiks (overwhelmed)

Duff: That is not an unattractive young lady


Ty: Hear Hear (agrees)

Duff: If women could just spend half and hour inside the male brain they would never talk to us again


Ty: They don't talk to us now (confused)


Duff: No no i mean all guys , MEN. When they finally figured out that fully one half of the male brain is constantly masturbating, and we can't help it its nature.


Ty: Yeah, Like photosynthesis (making sense)

Duff: completely independent of our higher brain activity, and its not just your leering construction 
workers its all, its all Guys


Ty: Yeah its everybody.

Duff: You're damn skippy


Ty:You know my dad once told me he wanted to come back in the next life as a women's bicycle seat (makes a joke about dad)

Duff: Your dad has some issues he needs to work out dude.
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Duff: TY! TY, she has a pen .


Ty: My pen? (happy)

Duff: No..

Duff: Ask her if she can borrow it


Ty: But its not my pen

Duff: Dude work with me here. (Trying to get him to understand the point)

Ty: and if it was my pen i couldn't borrow it , you can't borrow something that doesn't belong to you (stuck in his own thought)


Duff: Dude! This is not about the Pen!.

Ty: Oh! , an In (realizing the implication and opportunity)

Duff: Bingo (Mission accomplished, he understands)


Ty: That's a high difficulty maneuver dude.

Duff: Opportunity is knocking my friend, she has a pen you have a pen, this can't be more perfect


Ty: Why don't you ask her? (convinces duff to ask her instead)

Duff: I don't need a pen........... (looks for another method) take off your watch

Ty: What?


Duff: Take off your watch

Ty: Why? (confused)


Duff: so you can ask her what time it is

Ty: Why don't you ( asks duff to go do it )


Duff: I'm not wearing a watch

Ty: ......Eh Duff ( tries to make sense of what he just heard)

Duff: Shut up Ty. (trying to cut him off in case of more embarressment)

Ty: if you are the one that really wants to talk to her, why do you want me to go over there and do it?


Duff: You'll be my facilitator. (trying to justify why i 


Ty: Your facilitator?


Duff: Yeah you know break the ice a little small talk , you go ask her about pens like a warm up band


Ty: a Warm up band?


Duff: Yeah!


Ty: No (shoots him down)


Ty: Just go


Duff: What?


Ty: Just over there and introduce yourself.


Duff: You're pretty damn brave with somebody else's neck on the line.


Ty: Neck? what neck , this a neck free situation whats the worst she can do? Say no


Duff: I can't


Ty: fifty bucks


Duff: what ?


Ty: fifty bucks you go over there and say "hello", and if she says "no thanks i have a boyfriend eat 
mace and die freak boy" there's fifty bucks in it for you, to soften the blow (offering a deal)


Duff: and where are you gonna get fifty bucks ?


Ty: I'll sell a kidney , dude fifty bucks


Duff: and what if she says yes?


Ty: You win a cookie , dammit man the real victory is going over there (convincing him)


Duff: okay .


Duff: I can't


Ty: Why? (questions him)


Duff : Because


Ty: FIFTY AMERICAN DOLLARS (pushing the victory condition)


Duff: NO no , i can't do it.


Ty: (chicken noises) (mocking him)


Duff: That's not fair


Ty: Fifty bucks


Duff: Not enough! (extremely angry)


Ty: how about fifty bucks and whatever is left of your dignity


Duff: What?


Ty: Didn't think so (dissapointed)


Duff: You don't believe i can bring myself over there and introduce myself to a woman? (feeling that Ty didnt believe his skills 


Ty: No


Duff: I'll have you know i have talked to many many women in my life.


Ty: Waitresses, Checkout clerks, the occasional telemarketer ,,, (shoots Duff (insult)) MOM.


Duff: Oh that's it i will not be mocked i'm going over there! I'm there already ....(stunned, trying to locate the girl)


Ty: Gone isn't she?


Duff: You know what i really like Ty?


Ty: Breasts?


Duff: *Mumbles Yeah (slams fist on table because of missing a chance to hookup with the girl)